Journeyingsoul1111

Her hands held so much pain, it was so heavy that she started to slip away, did anyone notice? Of course they didn’t. You’re tough, you’re strong, others need me more. She watched as they passed her by, smiling, laughing, carrying on. How can everyone be so cold as I start to crumble, start to drop, to my knees, then laying face down, no one comes to help. Everything seems to work out for everyone else. I see myself start to disappear, dissolve into the ground, I don’t make a sound, I lay there and watch, waiting for what’s next, it won’t be long now and I’ll be invisible, but haven’t I been already? Then suddenly, I feel warm as arms wrap around me tight. He whispers, “They will never understand this life.” He wipes my tears and helps me stand. I look at him in wonder, my protecter, my friend, my father, you will always be my savior.

Photography by- Samantha Sliger.

I climb upon the unsteady pile of wood, just to get a glimpse, a glimpse of what lies beyond, behind the dust of the pane. The sun creaping up, illuminating the colors of a new day. A new day of work; gathering, preparing, living. I peer out with muscles aching, bones tired from the work of the day. I catch the setting sun, deep colors, holding the promise of tomorrow. Knowing deep down, it is not a promise, but hope. Hope in fixing my eyes upon another sun rise, another sunset, a longing for the moon to hold me once more. In the dark of the night, I slip up there once more, I sit with the moon on the other side of that dusty pane. In silence, in knowing, I often wonder what it is like, looking down, seeing all. The darkness, the beauty of the still in the silence. How heavy that must be, to hold so much deep pain, but yet the emptiness of lonely, and still illuminate the darkness. Cradling all the darkness upon the surface, and yet from deep within beam light over and within the darkness. I share moments under the moon, just past that window pane; I feel held, understood, and one. I understand why the wolf cries and howls to the moon as a tear streams down my cheek. The hurt and the pain, how much I have given to the moon. On full moons, I see how the craters hold so much depth; all the tears, pain, and sorrow. I join along, for a moment, become one, as we cry and howl for the full moon.

The world keeps spinning.
The sun and moon continue to chase each other around as the minutes and hours pass. There is no pause, no fast forward, or rewind. We really only have now. A crushing feeling begins to close in around my heart and lungs, a churning in my stomach. I stop to watch the clouds drift by, each one so unique, there floating in what we call sky. I ask, what does this all mean, how did I get here, what purpose is mine? So lost, so small, in this Neverending universe. But when time stops, we enter into no time, eternal, but what exactly does that mean? The sky starts to spin. Am I giving in to all that surrounds me? Will I know it is time, will I start to feel it, will it hurt, then I just delete?…is it God I will meet? I search for answers, I ask…who? Is it God, the universe, an alien? How are you so sure, what are your sources, we can ponder and wonder, will we ever have answers? Do we know when we’re dead, do you continue living? Do we get located to some parallel universe? Ground myself, ground. Feel the ground, grass between my fingers, close my eyes, and breathe.
The world keeps spinning, what seems like faster and faster. And I’m no closer to having any answers.

Tears stream down my face as I howl up at the moon. I wrestle with, day and night, blue skies with storm clouds that pass through. I quietly sit and watch as the sun slowly sets ablaze, burning as it departs deep within the moon. I often get lost in the mountain tops, trying to find my way. As the sun sets, I pause as I absorb into the colors, as they dances across the sky, like it was painted just for me. I try to move my feet, but this road has been so rough. I haven’t passed a single soul in oh so long. No one goes down this road, and this road, I walk alone. I look up ahead at seasons changing. The cold air sweeps through, and that always deeply scares me. With nowhere to go, I live along the road. I nestle into the brush to take shelter from the cold. The thorns, they cut me, the deeper that I go. But there within is where I can see, growth trying to take place, but I fear, it has nowhere to go. It’s so overgrown, I feel guarded here, hid away, from the obstacles of life. I lean against this half of my heart. I feel it turn to stone. Looking out from within the thicket, that keeps me hidden away. There is a wind, it is calm and cool, it wraps around me tightly, it calls for me, to follow, I do, but ever so reluctantly. Intertwined through the thorns, it guides me back out on the path, where it leads, I don’t quite know, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. Feet worn, clothes tattered, body tired and wounded. I wipe the dirt from my eyes, I stumble on until I fall to my knees, whimpering and say inaudible, I can’t go on. The wind gently lifts me up, carrying the weight of me. I whisper, is that you? There is a silence, I weep and pled, why can’t you tell me, why can’t I know? I look out, the path seems endless, I ride along and wonder, am I being led into eternity, if I ride long enough, deep into the distance, will i dissappear? Will there be peace, will I find rest, I have lost my pack, I have no home, I don’t know what that’s like, to live a life, for I have always only, just survived.

There was a spot, an invisible door, where there was a bend of time and space. When she opened it, time stopped; everything fell away and disappeared. It was quiet and peaceful, full of possibilities; dreams, goals, visions, and fantasies. Where hope and passion stood strong, and doubt and fear hid trembling beneath. Excitement would swell in her soul, to feel alive, and know what she is. She closed her eyes as the breeze swept across her face and moved through her hair, feeling the warmth of the sunshine. She smiled, knowing everything was just as it should be right now; in this moment, it was a piece of perfect. She craved those perfect moments of being, feeling, and love. She created them and sought them out. When she stepped into these moments, this sense would wash over her, and she couldn’t do anything but smile and be, feel everything in that moment, and soak it all up in its entirety. She always felt deeply about everything, throughout life she unknowingly had glimpses into the soul, unconsciously, but it was the torment and suffering she endured that awoke her, and now consciously she is, her soul. The very being, she is and always will be, accending from the ashes of the very thing that set her ablaze. Rising as did the Phoenix into a new form, transforming into something greater than the old self, the ego. It is just as magical and beautiful as the words in any fairytale. Tragity and suffering are incredibly beautiful and out of the ashes that become true majic and true love, the soul.
     The divine, source or God, we have a piece of that knowledge and wisdom and love, we have to go within to find it, shed the body and mind detach from it and find what remains, what is enturnal, never ceasing; the soul. To understand and know love, you have to be loved. She was never looking for love. She had just escaped years of torment, torture, caged, and locked away, unable to release and be free within herself. She was building a new life from the ground up. Then Love found her, a moment of looking up and meeting his eyes, watching his smile. She saw him as if she had never really seen someone before, to really look and notice something beyond the case that held who she was. She felt the same energy radiating off of him like the stem from his warm body hitting the cold air. There began the shift in the world, a push and pull of energy, and it was undeniable. The familiarity of him, it was not getting to know him but remembering. She would swim in his eyes and glide through his hair as their heads connected. There was so much understanding and knowing, looking into his eyes, a never-ending feeling, and comfort. It was their soul. It knew it had met itself, and it triggered an awakening. She was soaring high above, up into the beyond alongside him, a feeling that overpowered any other, unknown territory, something so real, primal, natural. It was a state of being, a true natural, when felt from the soul that is a real and true love, you find God, it is God.
   Just as she was ascending she started to shed, she started falling apart piece by piece and bit by bit until she crumbled completely and dropped down deep into the depths of darkness and despair, crying and screaming for him and giving up. The beauty and magic and this love she finally knew were gone. It was the egos being destroyed. She was transforming into who she was made to be, for this she was born. He was also transforming, preparing to embrace his new form he was entering. It was an overwhelming experience, the ego melting away and reveiling the soul. It was true suffering for both of them. It was unbearable for her to see him and avoid him when the universe was pulling them together. It was an unstoppable force. It was unavoidable, stopping and getting lost but a moment within that energy and soul in a state of oneness with the unspoken words lingering in the air between them. The energy they created around them overpowered any words that could be spoken, they knew. The pain and torture, the craving and longing for him to wrap her up in his arms, easing her chin up and seeing her, knowing her. Pressing his lips against hers once again and professing that it has always been her; the her that is him.
    He didn’t and the pain was agonizing, the tightness in her chest, her heart would not calm, the nausea she felt, she was in the midst of the dark night of the soul, in the depths of despair and while trapped there all was open and flooding in all around her. he mind playing tricks on her, confusing her, she was in the inbetween of reality, a place so deep and so dark; many do not return from. Just as she was giving up and calling it home a light shined down and as it got closer, she started to climb, to meet it and there he was, she climbed up to him and him down to her and they met, there in the middle of despair, in the midst of suffering and became one, they United and she knew he understood now, she saw it in his eyes, oh how his eyes held so much pain, so much sadness, he knew then, but she didn’t. He already knew what he had to do, he took awhile to be with her and touch her in all the ways she fantasized about, intimate, so much passion and an unspoken love, a love that took them away, somewhere they could be, where they were one, whole, complete. He didn’t want to part, but she had to keep climbing, and he knew for this he was born and therefore she would be reborn, them, their soul. She didn’t know she was looking into his eyes for the last time, she didnt know he was telling her goodbye. Just as she pulled her hand from his face, he smiled and she knew then it was always him and always will be, but he let go, her soul screamed out, her hand reaching for him but he disappeared down into the darkness, she was in disbelief and waited, she waited for him to start to appear, but then she knew, she knew he would not be coming back. But She had just made it back up, she knew she couldn’t go back down after him, she had already ascended halfway from the depths of darkness to reach him, she had to get the rest of the way back up to the light. She embraced the pain and suffering ahead fingers bleeding, clenching the cool dark stone, she pressed her cheek to the cool stone and thanked it, thankful for this way out and embracing the pain and the fight of ascending to the light, fighting to make it, determined to reach it, and understanding now, and accepting what is and what needs to be done and what she needs to conquer in order for her to ascend and live; he had to die.
   She is sitting with her legs dangling over the edge looking out over the darkness into and within the light, the light that saved her, that came and found her and led her back, the light that gave strength and wisdom to her and down beneath her feet is the darkness that once consumed her and in death, and in life, it is complete. The soul is in a union. It can never be undone. It is complete now. She was saved as he was sacrificed, but United at last in an everlasting unison. Sitting in the light she knows now, it was never about anything but awakening her soul and then connecting her soul with God. Deepening her understanding and relationship with God, she experienced the ultimate and true real love, she found her soul, she met love; she met, God. 

I think I’ll always be here waiting. Awaiting your return. I still search for your eyes in a crowd, I still see your hair, I feel your touch. Fingers gliding across my skin. Hair falls between my fingers. Pulling me in, lips meeting with a smile. Staring deep into the window of who we are. Getting lost there. No sense of time, there is no urgency. The place and moment that was meant for us. Perfectly carved out of the realm of time. Somewhere in my dreams, an extension. Where dreams cross over into reality. A reality I created for myself. Somewhere to go, somewhere to hide. Safe, perfect as one. Understanding briefly and carrying it with me the rest of my existence. That is what will sweep me away, when I will know. I got just a glimpse, just a taste. It hurts, you know, to have loved and lost. And I couldn’t tell you which would be worse to have loved and lost or to never love at all. I’m torn between the two. I ride the fence between love and hate. Good and evil. Right and wrong. Come back. Come back. I still need you. I still want you. I still love you. I still care for you. I need to know you are alright. I need you to know that I will long for you the rest of my days. I need you to feel that and hold onto that, to me. Come back to me. Find me. Let me find you. I feel you, your pain, the agony you’re in. You are the reason I believe in hell. You are the reason I fear death, and somehow, in some way, it excits me. If you are really gone, why can I still feel you near. It is an insanity wanting you so bad. The memories that make me smile and long for you but leave a deep pain, a pain of never being able to live the memories. The knowing you are of the past but wanting so bad to one day see you in the future. Earthquake shattering devastation of knowing it is no longer possible. How can I feel you, but still, you are nowhere to be found? So come to me if only in my dreams and in waking wrap your arms around me. I might not be able to see them, but I always feel them. Never stop reaching for me because I can’t stop reaching, searching, and craving you.

Part of my soul shattered that day. How? Why? When? Were all questions screaming, from the depth. Somewhere deep down, in the lake of ache. I float there along the murky waters. I can feel my body breaking down, longing to become a corpse. A used to be. Only but a fragment of the universe. So vast, so alien. The piercing pain engulfs me. It starts to eat me alive. My fingers tingle as I reach for you, but you’re not there. It is only another illusion that I’ve made up to prolong the end of life. It tears and rips me apart, water turning red. There I float, eyes facing the sky, I wonder how long it takes to die. I lived forever, I know it’s time. I’ve never been good at goodbyes, I slip away in silence, no one by my side. I wonder about how they’ll find me. What they’ll do and say, as time passes and my memory slowly fades away. I have always wondered about that moment, of when I lay dying. My thoughts, the feeling of departing, from my body. I start to finally let go, I feel myself slipping, almost as if I’m falling, in and out of life. Tettering on the end of death, I finally plummet forward, I feel I’m falling, but don’t feel anything. This is it, the dying. Piece by piece, I seep away. The drapes close shut to the windows of life. There is no second chance, I realize, just as I escape. I’ve never not felt lonely, leading up to this day. There I am scattered across the water, eyes locked forever to above. It’s over now, the pain and suffering. Living life is just dying. I guess I’ll call it, The End.

I reach up for the sky, with the sunrise illuminating before me. I feel every muscle loosen, anticipating the day that lies ahead. I ponder life’s greatest questions, content laying on my back. Blue sky I look deep into, body spinning, I must draw back. I sit up before I absorb into the blue depth. I take a deep breath and glance around, trying to take it all in, so I can carry this moment, this feeling, in all the moments until the end. There’s chores to be done, or is it really just living? I pause to write, beneath the shade of the weeping willow tree, the long vines sway when the wind sweeps through. That’s where I understand what seems to be the puzzle to the pieces. I gently lay them before me. With a brush in my hand, I color the path I can see that forms before me. From there, words develop and take shape and form the feelings as I write. I pluck them out, arrange them down, out in front of me, those pieces, this puzzle…why, it is, showing…me. The me inside, just past the vines, beneath that weeping tree. It makes sense now, I understand, the purpose just for me. I stand up, pull myself up higher in through the branches. I climb up and find myself on the edge of the forest. It’s dim and quiet, this place, it is amazing. I explore and play as a memory wonder along side of me. The soundtrack from my life, I pause, I remember, it makes me shiver, I guess I should pack up and climb back down. I skip and run, I twirl in the sun. I hold up the finished puzzle, and I am amazed. I drape the vines that I hide behind, step out, and enter into living.

The journey I want to take, it is there, always waiting, always ready. It is scary to walk it alone, to do it all. That is where my purpose lies. That’s where it all makes sense. I crave slowing down in this sped up world. Out there is where I belong, I have yet to find a soul who relates, who knows, who understands, a soul that dreads the mundane, who is worn and tired for living a life we were never intended. Isolated, alone, locked in my own world peering out. The thought of going out there makes me sick, stricken with fear. There is no purpose out there beyond my inner thoughts and the world I live in. No one comes to my door. no one wants to come inside, distracted by the complexity of life that is only but an illusion. I will never understand them, I would never fit in. On the outskirts, alone, is where I find peace and comfort. In the honest works of life is where I can focus, learn, grow, and heal. I step out and set fire to the world around me, the heat on my back as I step through my threshold and close the door behind me. I gaze out the window and watch as life is lost through the flames, I hear the screams, and a smile creeps upon my face. At last I feel free.

This is it, I suppose. The moment, the pivot in time where everything shifts. Propells me into existence outside of my crushing mind. The wounds that are not visible, the pain I can not grasp. The torment I hold, torturing who I am. Releasing, losing grip, stepping back. I look around, unsure where to go. I choose the path lit up, gardens on either side. I hear the waves, and I see the mountains as I walk by. I pause, kneel down, and stir the streams of blood. I continue, I stumble, then looking out ahead ..the glare of the sun, it’s bright and warms me up, being in the dark so long, I start to thaw as I walk on. Then, just beyond, in the distance, I see fire burning as Im approaching. I do a spin and take it in.. this life, where pain settles in, look closely, and you will also find beauty and growth.